For Women Who Are Difficult to Love

For Women Who Are Difficult to Love -

written and performed by Warsan Shire

You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?

closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

The Harsh Reality

So, I’ve always wanted to be a part of the blog community, and for a really long time, struggled to maintain or keep up with it. I guess it has a lot to do with not really being passionate about anything.

I originally created “TheLivFeed” to blog about “The Lifestyles of a New Yorker: how to love, dine, inspire, and dress the part” but I don’t eat at trendy places, often and I’m not very trendy to tell anyone “how to dress the part,” so I’m just going write.

I am choosing to write, because I have discovered, I don’t trust many people. I have lost the ability to trust, and I’ve heard writing is therapeutic. But as a young, single, woman living in a shoebox apartment in New York City- I have a little spark in me, that’s feeling a little “Carrie Bradshaw” inspired, I’m terrible with grammar, and my best friend would be ashamed if she ever followed this blog.

I’m going to write, about everything and anything. I’m not going to care if I dive in and get a little personal. I’m not going to care about being grammatically correct. After all, this is THELivFeed, it kinda makes sense if this blog is all about me.

Lazy Blogger

I keep meaning to finish my drafts and put up my posts. But I never do.Originally, I wanted this blog to be about “Lifestyles of a New Yorker” but I realized- I don’t go out enough nor explore enough new places for me to be an advocate for my one true love, NYC. I wouldn’t do it, justice. So, the activity on this blog is nonexistent.

I need to rev up these engines and come up with something I am absolutely passionate about and can type about for days, without too much thought or research. This blog was for me. To enjoy. I made the mistake of bearing too much personal detail while dealing with a heartbreak. I guess, I need to read up on the do’s and don’t of blogging.

The next time, I post…I promise, a new site, a new look and more frequent posts.
Stay tuned…

A Thank You To Real Friends

I clicked on a link that one of my Facebook friend’s shared, and after reading this post, I teared up a little bit and immediately planned a girl’s night. I couldn’t have said or wrote this better than Miss Chelsea Fagan- she is so on point! Thank you for this awesome post!

A Thank You To Real Friends

Mar. 30, 2012

When we’re kids, a friend is an easy thing to come by. A friend is someone who has the same sneakers on as you and shares a pb&j sandwich on the playground at lunch. A friend is someone you see every day, in neat rows in classrooms, copying off each others’ homework. It’s someone you’re sure will be there when you get off the bus, someone who is a constant in your life, something certain. And school, the cocoon of being placed in the same building day in, day out, and even put into small groups together to do projects, enables us to slip into friendships that have the time and the freedom to form naturally. We find people that are really just like us, who make us feel like we’re not alone in the world, and who stay with us through thick and thin.

And as we get older, and as school turns into classes scattered across a huge campus, and then evaporates completely from our lives — friends become harder to come by. Without the constant socialization and ample free time, a friend is something you have a hard time carving out of your busy life, something that can be dropped from the day planner between the commute home and a trip to the grocery store. It’s easy to find yourself nervous and anxious when meeting new people, or thrust into new social situations, because now finding and maintaining a friendship is something you’ll have to do on your own. It’s something that you’ll have to plan around, make time for, and stay on top of like you would a work project. If you want to see someone, and for them to become a serious part of your life, it’s going to take effort — and a decent amount of risk. It could be, like with a romantic partner that fizzles out after a few tepid dates, that you two just weren’t meant to be.

So often, we settle. In a new career, a new city, a new apartment, we find ourselves stranded in a life where we can’t just call someone up any time of day and go “hang out” like we used to. Making new friends is incredibly intimidating, and even just finding the time to nurture something can be far too taxing. But we fear loneliness, we fear being excluded — so we fill our lives with acquaintances. There are coworkers, whom you talk to, but you probably wouldn’t hang out with if you weren’t forced to socialize. There are neighbors, who have the alluring convenience factor, but often not a lot of substance. There are friends of significant others, who come into your life peripherally and rarely become deep friends of your own. Our lives become filled with brunches, happy hours, dinner parties, and cocktails with people who are nice enough, but with whom we wouldn’t share a secret. With whom we wouldn’t cry. With whom we wouldn’t laugh until our stomachs ached. They are simply people to move around with, people who fill your life and your social calendar, people with whom you pass some time because to not do so would make you rude, would make you strange.

We can go weeks, even months, only being around these people. We can get used to the idea that going out is as much about networking and maintaining appearances as it is about actually enjoying your time. There is a resignation to the general idea that socializing can often be work in a different form — a way to maintain the polite and potentially useful connections you have formed elsewhere. Getting a beer with someone after work hours is something you propose because it seems appropriate, because it’s simply what you do. So what if the conversation’s tedious? So what if you have nothing in common? This is what adults do, right?

But then, a friend comes back into town, or perhaps they just get a break in their newly-packed schedule. For whatever reason, the stars align, and you’re able to be with someone for whom words are not enough. Your friendship — your love — is contained in gestures, in unspoken inside jokes, in discrete looks that say everything, in hugs, and in tear-inducing laughter. You’re reminded of everything that a friend truly is, and the ease with which you can share everything and catch up, with which you can make each other laugh and fundamentally understand is almost unsettling. What have you been missing out on? Have you forgotten that, at one point in your life, you only made time for the people with whom you shared absolutely everything? That the idea of making brittle social engagements with people you know out of necessity would be absurd? It’s as though you’ve forgotten what a friend itself really is, how wonderful it feels, and how affirming it can be of all that we love about life.

Sometimes we don’t thank our friends enough — for being there, for loving us, for being able to exist in the sidelines because of distance or schedules but come back into our lives with full force when the opportunity arrives. Our real friends, whose love and humor can lie dormant for stretches but doesn’t simply die, often go unappreciated. We owe them so much, and they are such a huge part of who we are, but we can often forget that as we construct our own lives. And we’ll surely make new friends as we grow — and are done stumbling into adulthood and everything that comes with it — but they won’t be a replacement, and we shouldn’t forget that. We owe it to ourselves to thank the people who have been there for us, and who remind us that we’ll always be worth more than just a handshake and an empty “we should grab a coffee soon.”

For more, from the Thought Catalog, click here.

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If I hit the jackpot…

Today’s mega million dollar jackpot is now 540 million dollars and it has New Yorkers going crazy! There are lines outside bodegas and lotto kiosks. I haven’t bought my ticket yet- I figure, the closer to the drawing, the better; even if I have to stand in line for an hour.

I know this is wishful thinking…but I can’t help but wonder…what would I do if I hit the jackpot?

First of all, I would not announce it to anyone nor let the press take a picture of me or have my name in the media. That’s like wearing a sign around your neck- asking someone to hold you up at gun point and rob you- nor do I need, John Smith who I went to nursery school with giving me some sob story about his life asking me for money. Contrary to popular belief- I wouldn’t quit my job. What would I do- all day, everyday? Everyone I know- would be at work!

After the government takes out federal and state taxes- which would probably be close to half of my winnings, that would leave me with 220 million dollars. Mom and Dad would get 50 million dollars, each household in my (large) family would get 1 million. That would leave me with…158 million dollars.

I’d pay off my school loans and debt which in comparison to 158 million dollars, is nothing. I’d give my closest friends- I can count these friends on both hands $100,000 each. Leaving me, with 157 million dollars. I’d buy myself an apartment- nothing extravagant: a budget of $2 mill on the apartment. I’d give $4 million dollars to the each of the following charities: cancer research, NYC special education funding, lupus research, domestic violence against women and children homes and shelter.

$139 million, to go. 39 in savings and bonds for my off springs and theirs. And, well…for the rest- I wouldn’t even know where to spend it. But it certainly will last me a lifetime!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Please let me hit the jackpot! I promise to be the most selfless lotto winner, there is!

YOLO

YOLO. I have been wondering for the longest time, what YOLO meant- thanks to my twitter peeps, I have learned YOLO= You Only Live Once. High five, Drake and Lil’ Wayne. Clever. Very clever.

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For those who had been following my blog since the beginning, you’ve seen the very public heartbreak posts that are now sitting in my drafts. Why? Well, he & she got wind of it- and well, quite frankly I didn’t need those two reading and getting a kick out of my heart ache. I was not going to be free entertainment. The thought of the two reading and laughing and enjoying each others company at the expense of my misery–yeah,not.so.much. But as I wrote in my very first post- TheLivFeed is for me, I did it forme. So, lesson learned. I must remind myself that this is the internet. Free foranyone to see.

A lot of things have changed, but no matter how much effort I put into moving forward and bettering myself- at the end of the day as I lay awake in bed, my mind runs wild. So, I stumbled upon this quote on Tumblr, and wanted to share it with all you fabulous people.

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You only live once, so…why not make the most of it? With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. So, I live now. Every moment, and every laugh- will be worth remembering.

Stop at nothing. Fear, nothing.

I am crawling out of my blog hole, to share this powerful message with anyone who may stumble upon my blog. As much as I’d like to go on and tell all of you how incredible touched and moved I am by the video, the Invisible Children Organization has put together- I suggest you experience it for yourself. This video, had inspired me enough to read up on the org, Joseph Kony, and even the numerous negative critic commentaries.

I can give you a brief summary and tell you how Joseph Kony is a filthy, demonic man- but the Invisible Children Organization can explain it way better than I can.

On April 20th, 2012- all supporters of this particular movement, will Cover the Night- in the morning, when the rest of the world wakes up- our streets will be covered with posters and everyone will know who Joseph Kony is. We will make Kony- VISIBLE.

What we hope to see in 2013:

Will you, support the international effort to arrest him, disarm the lRa and bring the child soldiers home? Sign the pledge.

*on a side note* I am absolutely wow-ed by the power of social media/networking. With a little help of Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogs, etc.- one idea really does goes a long way. Power to all you, bloggers and writers that stand for something, write about it, and create awareness for something you’re passionate about. Kudos to you! It’s living proof, that one person can make a difference and you’re it.

Stop at nothing. Fear, nothing.

Things That Really Grind My Gears…(Today)

Waterbugs. Why do they exist and how did two of them find their way into my apartment? I mean seriously, did you two disgusting creatures just stroll in together, thinking you were just going to hang out in my hard earned (wo)man cave?

Coffee Breath. I’m not a big fan of coffee and I have nothing against coffee drinkers.  But if I can smell your coffee breath that means you’re in my personal space and you need to take AT LEAST 5 steps back.

Rude people.  I work in the hospitality industry. You would not believe how many people will scream, fight and whine about such minuscule things. Get over it. I am not comp’ing you for something so small as- I didn’t receive a fork with my sandwich. WHY DO YOU NEED A FORK to eat a sandwich! Really? That’s like cutting a French fry with a fork and knife.

Automatic Toilet Flushers.  They either flush too often or don’t flush at all. Sometimes, it will flush when you least expect it and have the audacity to splash that grimy water on you! Gross.

Wexters. “ Walking-Texters.” Please try and refrain from wexting. New York City is very crowded. In a congested area such as, Herald Square or Times Square. You should not be wexting. Until you can master texting without looking down at the screen- just don’t do it.

Obnoxiously Loud Cell Phone Talkers. No explanation necessary. If riding any form of public transportation- you should be using your inside voice.

Winter/Spring Turn Over. I am still layered, wearing dark clothes, bundled up and trying to refrain from slipping on the snow. Looking up to see the cutest colored blazer, cropped slacks, and flats combo in the window. Tease. Not only does it make me feel about 20 degrees colder, but I will not walk into your establishment to purchase an outfit that I can’t wear for next month or two. Why must you taunt me!

Bills, bills, bills. If I had known that debt and aging went hand in hand- I would’ve hit PAUSE on life at age 6. At 6, life was SWEET! Nap time, snack time, play time! C’mon! Who wouldn’t pay good money to be 6, again! If only money could have sex and multiply!!

That about sums it up, for today!

What grinds your gears?

One Great Love

This type of love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. This type of love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. This type of love- accepts you despite your race, sex, religion; this type of love does not judge you by your beliefs, wants, needs.

This love, will always be with you. No matter how far or how long you are apart from this type of love, it’ll wait for your return. Love will surprise you, fail you, and sometimes it may even awe you. Love is always full of surprises.

This type of love- it never sleeps.
So, I guess if the saying “you can only have one great love” is true…
New York City, just might be mine.

Bath & Body Works Sales Galore!

I’m not very feminine, but smelling good and feeling good make me feel like a girl woman. So, when I got wind of the Bath & Body Works sale- I got super excited! I love this place, but I don’t like to splurge on things, unless I really need them.

To justify my purchases, I just moved out- so obviously I need to stock up on candles, air fresheners, hand soap and body wash! It’s cold out- and I get ashy- body lotion, check! I’m trying to quit smoking- so my stress level is high- obviously I need some Aromatherapy!

The sale is ending soon, so spread the word and act fast!

Some of my favorite purchases:

Browse, shop and enjoy!